Anger Management: Stoic Style

Anger Management, Stoic Style: Don’t Punch the Printer

Inner peace. Outer dad jokes.

Let’s be honest, fellas: we’re all about three minor inconveniences away from throwing a printer out the window like it’s a scene from Office Space.

And that’s on a good day.

One minute you’re calmly trying to update your vehicle registration online. The next, you’re in a passive-aggressive deathmatch with a CAPTCHA that insists you’re not a human, despite decades of taxes and lower back pain.

So how do you keep from losing it? From becoming that guy—the one muttering profanities at inanimate objects like a deranged wizard?

Simple: you channel your inner Stoic.

Yes, Stoicism—the ancient Greek philosophy that basically says, “The world is insane, but you don’t have to be.”

Let’s dive in.

Rule #1: Rage is a Discount Decision-Maker

Seneca—ancient Rome’s grumpy uncle—once wrote:

“Anger is like holding a hot coal and throwing it at someone… except you’re on fire and also bad at throwing.”

(That’s a loose translation, but the point stands.)

Anger feels righteous, but let’s look at what it actually accomplishes:

• Yelling at a traffic jam? Does not part the cars like the Red Sea.
• Slamming your laptop shut during a Zoom call? Makes a satisfying sound and ends your employment.
• Screaming at your kids for leaving a half-eaten yogurt on your tax documents? Now everything smells like betrayal and strawberries.

Anger gives you the illusion of control. Stoicism gives you the reality of choice. Breathe. Pause. Ask: Is this worth becoming a YouTube meltdown video over?

(Answer: probably not. Unless there’s a trampoline and an injury involved.)

Rule #2: Traffic is the Universe’s Meditation Retreat

Nothing tests your patience quite like rush hour traffic—especially when the guy in front of you is driving like he’s auditioning for “Snail: The Musical.”

Here’s what Marcus Aurelius might say:

“You cannot control the speed of the chariot ahead. But you can control whether you call his horse a jackass.”

(Again, loose translation.)

Stoicism reminds us that most of the world is outside our control—including other people, the DMV, the Wi-Fi, and your cousin Juan who always brings up his Bitcoin prowess at family gatherings.

So instead of exploding in rage every time someone double-parks their Tesla like it’s a performance art piece, try this:

• Count backward from 10.
• Imagine the offender as a toddler learning to walk.
• Picture Marcus Aurelius sighing in his robe and sipping Hombre Man coffee brew.

Boom. Inner peace achieved. Or at least less road rage-induced neck tension.

Rule #3: Don’t Yell at the Printer (It Has No Soul – Yet)

Let’s talk printers.

They jam. They blink weird error codes. They demand toner like it’s a rare blood type. They are, in short, tiny demons in beige plastic armor.

But here’s the Stoic truth: it’s just a machine. It doesn’t hate you. It doesn’t care. It’s not out to get you (most of the time). You’re projecting your emotional baggage onto an HP LaserJet like it’s your ex-wife with a grudge.

Marcus Aurelius never used a printer, obviously. But if he had, he would’ve said:

“The obstacle is the way. Also, maybe just restart it.”

Let the machine win. Save your strength for more important battles—like assembling IKEA furniture with dignity intact.

Rule #4: Family Holiday Gatherings Are Stoic Bootcamp

Ah, the dreaded family holiday party. A modern-day gladiator arena where passive aggression wears hoodies and cardigans.

Your aunt wants to talk about essential oils. Your dad can’t remember his keys. Your uncle is loudly speaking to his urlologist, while you’re trying to watch Football. And someone always brings up politics.

This is where Stoicism goes from philosophy to survival strategy.

Smile. Nod. Respond with vague grunts like:

• “Interesting point.”
• “That’s certainly… a take.”
• “I can see how you’d feel that way, Uncle Bob.”

This is known as Stoic Diplomacy—a technique used by philosophers, therapists, and anyone who’s ever been stuck in a group chat with extended relatives and bad grammar.

Final Rule: The World Will Always Be Crazy—Don’t Join It

You can’t fix the DMV.
You can’t make printers love you.
You can’t stop humanity from using speakerphone in public places.

But you can stop yourself from combusting like a Roman candle in cargo shorts.

Anger is easy. Calm is earned.

Take a breath. Take a walk. Take a sip of coffee strong enough to wake a dead Stoic. Then face the chaos with a smirk, a shrug, and maybe a well-timed dad joke.

You got this.

Also—get a new printer.